Finding Myself

I've been feeling particularly rubbish of late. It's gotten me thinking, and I think I've discovered at least part of the problem. I've lost part of myself since having kids. I know it sounds like a cliché, but apparently it's happened and I didn't even notice.

This is me before I had my daughters. Make up was a hobby of mine, and I loved playing with it and creating new looks. I also loved doing my nails, and I would paint them at least 3 times a week. I hardly ever went out without at least some make up on, and it was often bright and eye catching.

This is me with L on her 1st birthday. It's not that I looked particularly bad, it was more that I didn't spend any time on my appearance any more. I thought I was okay with that, I really and truly believed that I was the same person, just without make up. Well, now it turns out I may have been wrong. It occurred to me the other day that my own self image has really taken a hit since my second daughter was born. Breastfeeding and a lack of money severely limits my wardrobe choices, and honestly motherhood has changed me so that I don't really know my personal style anymore. I don't have and identity, I'm just Mummy.

So I made a decision. I started looking at plus size fashion blogs, and online clothing stores, to try and rediscover what appeals to me. The other day when we went into town, I did my hairs and make up. Wore outrageously bright pink lipstick, and clothes that made me feel pretty. We had a great day, and every time I caught sight of myself whilst we were out I liked the way I looked.

So I bought myself some second hand clothes and jewelry, and I've been making more of an effort for myself. I started looking after my nails again, as painting them is something I really enjoy doing.

Depression is hard. Especially with children, and when you are struggling financially and you have very little familial support. I feel like I need to do whatever I can to improve my mental health, and right now that seems to be doing things to make me feel good about myself. I don't know whether it will help in the long run, but right now, it's improving my mood, and that's a positive thing, so it's what I'm going to focus on.